The African Marriage

Growing up I seemed to always have had this romantic streak in me. Maybe it was from watching my grandparents whom still after fifty years of marriage had this amazing chemistry that was undeniable to everyone around them. Needless to say seeing that such intimacy and affection can be had between two people has given me hope, that true unconditional love is out there if your patient enough to look for it and selfless enough for it to take root. This is not so much that I wish for the fairy tail but rather a desire for something pure, concentrated enough to sustain a lifetime through all of its ups and downs.

One might be asking what this has to do with Africa…

Well this weekend I will be going to my first wedding in Africa. Weddings in Africa are a little different many times being that they have already been married for some time and the ceremony is just a celebration of that union. Like in any country weddings are expensive and its no different here. Couples are expected to invite the whole village along with family and friends. Weddings here are known for their great food and would be sorely underrated if it fails to be the best in quality. It would not be unlikely for someone to complain publicly at an event if they were dissatisfied with the food. Most weddings have many different options for that reason which leaves little room for complaint.

Joy and her husband have been married for some three or four years now and have two children. Joy is a teacher on the island, were she lives with her two kids. Her husband lives and works in the village on the other side of the country were they have a home. Though this idea might seem strange it is quite common here in Africa.

One of my first weeks here I was sitting on the veranda with two of the men that live at the YWAM base Samson (whose a pastor on the island), and John (who works in our small medical clinic on the base). Not knowing I asked Samson if he was married, when he said yes it seemed only natural to ask were they were having not seen them. He said that his wife and three children live in their home on a different island. So I thought obviously he must make regular trips home, not the case. Samson goes home maybe every six to eight weeks to see his family for three or four days before he is needing to head back to work. Later someone told me that his youngest child cried when he came and was unwilling to go near him. John told me in a later conversation that he hoped to get married in the next few years. He said that his wife and children would live with his mother in a small village in western Uganda while he remained working on the island. He said that there was no way that he could afford to provide for his family if they lived on the island. Having things shipped in from the mainland makes the cost of living more expensive and without having his own land he wouldn’t be able to have a garden to help reduce the cost of living in any way.

Many feel this life works for them, some feel it is the only way with how difficult it can be to find work, others are unwilling to split there family feeling they could not bear to be separated from one another. The separated family sure has sure taken its toll though not only with time but the possibility of marital unfaithfulness, which is not uncommon among many of these couples. This has also played a part in the spreading of AIDS in Africa were it would not be ok to question your spouse and be even more offensive to ask them to use a condom if there was any question in your mind.

Couples that do live together are hard to distinguish too. The only time you are likely to see a couple together is if you visit their home were they still seem to be busy doing separate things. You rarely see a couple together in public unless they are traveling somewhere together. If couples are seen together you never see them show any display of affection towards each other. My friend Henry said it is only now becoming common for couples to kiss in private. He said that he knew his parents had never kissed and was unlikely that most older married couples have ever kissed. Its only amongst the younger generations in the bigger towns and cities that such affections are more common to the influence of western culture and entertainment. My guess is the mass of the community is still very private about it because I have yet to see a couple holding hands let alone kissing publicly.

As you can see this all seems to lead for a hot romance for a typical African couple. Your lucky if you get to kiss your husband, and even luckier if you get to share a bed with them for more than a forth of the year.

Needless to say this wedding should be interesting, I will have to get back to you on what happens supposing that they wont say you may kiss the bride. I think the attendees would be in shock with the display of such blatant affection.

Random Information
Amanda and I were laughing this week as I debated wether we had enough money to make it to the mainland if our money hadnt arrived at the bank yet. We were talking over money knowing that we were to the end of our funds and if we needed to come back to the mainland and go to the bank it would be tight. Figuring out how we could make things work had to make you laugh when we relized that really we were fifty cents short of what we needed. You thought having five bucks in your pocket was broke.
Ok so every culture has its corks, here are some things that have been funny since being here in Uganda!
Best come on line was received on the docks while waiting to catch a ride back to the island. This vendor comes over and says hello My Size you come be with me. Though its nice to be at least the right size in somebodies eyes I am not so sure thats the best way to win a girls heart.
When ever you are dressed nicely here the responce is you look smart. This seems to be the british english coming through. The first time I had heard this I thought of being smart was like when some one describes you as a smart or nice girl when some one sees you as nothing great to look at. Here being smart is of no insult it is actually to say you are beautifull or look nice. To say one is smart would be that they are sharp!
For one to be called skinny is to say you dont look well, they question if you have money or are in poor condition.
To be fat is healthy, a sign of wealth and prosperity.
Another funny conversation I had was about weddings. Here a bride is purchased by livestock. The value of goats, chickens, ect you are worth is do to your family position, and the beauty of the bride to be. The man is more responsiable for funding the wedding also. It is also not uncommon to send letters to those in the community to contribute too. I bet the family of the bride all wish that they were a little more African.

Thats all for this week no real new happenings as I have spent most of this week sick in bed!
Love to you all on the home front!